The Cullens Family Getaway
by MyLittlePonyGirl
Summary: A Dear Diary from Jaspers point of view. First story I've written. OOC All the normal pairings.
1. Esmes Idea

The Cullen's Family Getaway

JPOV:

Dear Jerry,

Esme seems to think that we all need to get away from forks for a while. She's making us go camping, a good distance from all civilised society which also means a good distance from shopping malls...which means an angry Alice (see what I did there Jerry ALLITERATION Carlisle would be proud).

Last time that happened she set the tent (not sure why Esme made us fetch a tent but whatevs) on fire, which if you are a vampire is very unsafe, and proceeded to dress Emmett in leaves she'd sewn together with grass but the worst part is, she couldn't find enough leaves to cover his body so he was lacking in certain areas, the image still haunts me when I close my eyes, luckily for me I don't need to do that often but still...Alice tried to claim that she had gotten 'tent fever' and then dragged me on a 3 day shopping trip and wouldn't let me into any hot topic shops which usually make shopping almost bearable.

Anyways, back to the issue at hand, I'm stuck with my siblings for a whole week of 'family bonding'. Emmett will no doubt be complaining about him missing Sesame Street reruns on Noggin (A/N I actually googled to find a TV channel that runs sesame street) , Edward will be pining for Bella and driving us all insane with his 'oh Bella! How I miss her!' anyone would think she was the only human in Forks and the worst part is I'll be missing the human too unwillingly of course, I can do without her tripping over everywhere and smelling like a fast food snack.

Rosalie...well Rosalie will be making snide comments 24/7 so that won't be much difference from being at home with her. Alice will be trying to match her outfit to the tent, the sleeping bag, the outdoors perhaps even the insects, the birds, the sky, anything. The worst thing is I've got nowhere to hide and be alone and let my emotions all out and think of the times when I used to frolic through fields back in 1860's not a care in the world...apart from the fact I was in a war and eventually got turned by two psycho vamps (smoking hot psycho vamps may I add...don't tell Alice!) and then taught a great big bunch of newborns how to kill...but who hasn't had that on their mind once in a while?

Jerry we must part our ways as i need to go and remove Emmett's tongue from a frozen pole am i the only sane one in this family?

I think your the only one who understands me, well you and Mr. Snobbins the bear. I shall write more soon.

TTFN Love Jazzy xoxo


	2. The Car Journey

**Disclamier: I do not own twilight, however I wish I did because then I'd own Jasper and that would make me a very happy Sophie.**

**The Cullen's Family Getaway**

**JPOV:**

Dear Jerry, (A/N Jerry is Jasper's diary...he liked the name muchly)

Well we've just arrived on our 'Cullen Family holiday'; I'm finding it hard to understand how a tent in some woods in the middle of nowhere could possibly be called a holiday, we could of all stayed at home and set a tent up in the woods near our house at least that way I could mope in my bedroom if I needed to.

Anyway what you missed was the car journey, lucky for you eh? But don't think you're not hearing about it, because I need to share my issues! Why should you not be inflicted with this? Anyways, the car journey here was absolutely awful (one major reason is that she made us all sit in a car instead of running and another is emotions...small space... me that spells trouble right?), so anyway Esme turns up outside the house in this whale of a car, we all laughed hoping she was joking about this being our ride, she weren't by the way she'd actually gone and hired a Renault Grand Scenic to create a proper human family holiday feel, I personally think she's making this up as she goes along but she scares me so I daren't tell her this, anyhoo, so she forces us all into this...thing, even Carlisle was complaining about the holiday and he's always game for anything, (honestly _anything_ he loved the idea of Emmett's and my self's game of pass the Bella, it would of continued until Edward came home and threatened us with telling our wives about the time we went to a bar dressed in their clothes –shudder- ) We set off to wherever we are and I was thinking my life couldn't be any worse, I mean I'd been through a war, then I was turned into a vampire, then I trained an army of newborn and slightly stupid vampires how to fight got bitten several times by said stupid vampires, and now I'm stuck on a holiday (I use that word lightly) with my vampiric nut job family, that's pretty bad right? I thought so too until she made us **SING** things were worse, she made us sing her favourite **LOVE** songs (thanks for that suggestion by the way eddy –eye roll-) and I pretended to be enthusiastic and sort of mumbled along, Alice pretended to be in a vision for a whole hour and a half which is entirely unlikely, Edward of course sang but with no glee and he kept changing the words to fit in with him and Bella, for example:

_I don't wanna close my eyes  
I can't fall asleep  
'Cause I'd miss you, Bella  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
'Cause even when I think of you  
The sweetest thought will never do  
I'd still miss you, Bella  
And I don't wanna miss a thing_

Rosalie out right refused which got her thrown out of the car so I refused to sing to get out of this mad hole and Esme just made me sing loudly and with more enthusiasm (like I said before, Esme scares me so I didn't need much persuasion) and then there was Emmett, who sang at the top of his voice out of tune, flatly and completely the wrong words, he loved it, I could feel the happiness radiating from him, which annoyed me entirely as I am _the _Jasper Whitlock Hale, I don't get excited about singing yet, I couldn't help myself, but what annoyed me most about him is the constant jazz hands in which he exclaimed 'Jazz! Look JAZZ HANDS –child like giggle-' every 2 minutes. So yeah, that was the journey here; I'm currently in a tree snuggling Mr. Snobbin's hiding from Esme who is trying to enforce us to sing camp fire songs.

Talk later, that's if I don't find a way to kill myself beforehand...

Love Jazzy xoxo


	3. Jasper's Camp Fire Fun

**Disclaimer**: I don't own twilight but I do own jerry :)

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**The Cullen's Family Getaway**.

Dear Jerry,

My life sucks. I'm currently 4 hours and 27 minutes into this hell trap, I'm definitely sure that God hates me, before I was undecided and now I'm positive he does. I've been hiding from my wife for the last 2 hours, only because I _accidentally_ laughed at her footwear choice I mean c'mon they were 3 years out of date, they were _that_ out of date Esme liked them. Alice, of course, went insane pulled a tree out of the ground, chased me around the camp site with the tree and screaming 'Jasper Whitlock Hale! Get here now before I beat the fucking stuffing out of Mr. Snobbin's!' I know! I agree Jerry I should have gone over there and grabbed the tree out of her hands and beat her with it just for _thinking_ of hurting him. But I didn't...yes I know Jerry I'm a coward, I've got over that fact, so should you. You know the only reason I've survived so long is because of my powers (and dashing good looks obv). I think something has happened to my powers though (not my looks..._like that would happen_ –chuckle-) earlier during our family camp songs, yeah Esme found me and pulled me to the fire by my hair (it's still not quite right it's gone all puffy at the back jerry –sob-), I tried to make Esme feel depressed it backfired and I felt depressed, well more depressed than before if that's even possible so I thought let's try and make Carlisle and Emmett fall in love and that backfired too, instead I was in love with Emmett, the odd thing is...he loved me back and it _wasn't _my powers that did that –cringe shudder gag- Alice and Rosalie had to pull us apart from our hug and they proceeded on 'slapping the love out of us' my cheeks are still red, although it's a good look I quite like it. After that I decided to carry on meddling, I should of known better, I decided to make Edward happy, it's an impossible job for anyone let alone me, that backfired too luckily not on me –phew- instead he got worse and the last time I saw him he was carving Bella out of a tree trunk, man that boys a _weirdo._

I genuinely think I should figure out a way to kill myself though, maybe I should tell Alice I don't love her anymore and the only reason I'm with her is to make people think I'm not gay, which I'm not I like women...honest. Woop for boobs... Jerry I'm on need of some fun, now how do I have fun at home? I meddle with emotions, I play dress-up with Alice, and I wrestle with Emmett...THAT'S IT! I'll wrestle with Emmett...hold on a cotton pickin' moment wrestling with Emmett may not be a smart idea, kinda like squatting with your spurs still on (I know I've suddenly become more southern but meh, I did it in the film (**A/N **he does do that in the film sorry if you've not seen it, but watch out for it!)) he may enjoy our wrestling due to the close contact...hmmm close contact with Emmett...eww! Sorry, sometimes the love just doesn't want to go away. Maybe I should help Edward carve Bella and then slip, and cut her head off –chuckle- that'd be fun. Or I could go and tell Esme that Carlisle was the one who coughed up bubblegum all over the living room, like I said earlier Carlisle's game for anything and my god the man loves gum. Maybe I could tell Rosalie she has a pimple and hide all the mirrors. Or I could shrink Alice's clothes and tell her she's put on a few pounds...oh what to do Jerry...what's that Jerry do them all!? By gosh I think I will!

Toodle-loo

Love Jazzy xoxo

P.S I think my hair needs bleaching again, that's right, you heard It here first I bleach my hair, I heard blondes have more fun, so I thought what the heck!

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**A/N I really hope you guys like this! I'm not gonna beg for reviews either, but if you feel like reviewing then it would make me a very person. Anyhoo, if you wanna see Jasper in some interesting situations then just give me a message and I'll put it in the next chapter, I'm thinking maybe more special time with Emmett ;) THANKS for reading!**


	4. Emmetts Jealousy

Disclaimer: The only thing I own is my imagination and Jerry. But sadly not Twilight.

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**The Cullen's Family Getaway**

Dear Jerry,

Currently 15 hours and 36 minutes into the getaway and it is approximately 1700 hours. So I did what you suggested, -evil laugh- it went down a storm! I kindly went and asked Edward if he'd like some assistance in carving his 'wooden Bella' (A/N basically, Kirsten Stewart her acting amounts to that of a lump of drift wood, sorry if you're a fan but I really dislike her acting) he stupidly accepted my offer, at this stage he wasn't concentrating on what I was thinking due to the fact he's going _insane _he keeps feeding the damn thing! Anyways, (why am I always going off subject –le sigh- ...what...all the cool kids say it!) I was carving her and suggested to Edward that we could..._alter_ her, to his ideal woman, and then he claimed that she was his ideal woman (yeah whatever Eddie boy), so I thought it'd be fun to make a point of telling him that she could use some plastic surgery, you know enhance some areas, maybe use a little bit of eyeliner that sort of thing then I proceeded to carve Bella into how she _should_ look, oh Jerry I wish I could of taken a picture, his face was so funny! I thought he was going to burst, sadly he didn't. So he went and told on me to Esme, of course with him being the favourite I got a lecture on how I shouldn't ruin Edwards art, Edwards so talented, Bella's perfect...BLAH BLAH BLAH. So, I decided to slip in the fact that it was indeed Carlisle that got gum everywhere and it wasn't in fact one of the La Push puppies, in which he blamed, so Carlisle got a lecture from Esme while this was happening I sneaked off –teehee-. I went to visit my favourite pretend brother, Emmett who was also bored like myself and hated the whole damn holiday.

**Hi Emmett here! **Emmett get the hell outta my diary!! **HAHA dude! Your diaries call JERRY!!!!!!!!!** Oh hush imbecile! You wouldn't understand our connection. **WHAT YOU AND THE DAMN DIARY HAVE A CONNECTION! –Glares at said diary- **Emmett please leave. **Fine...but I'll be back...just you watch Jerry –mouths I love you to Jasper-.**

_Awkward......_ANYWAAAAAYS! Sorry about that, he heard his name being said as I tell Mr. Snobbin's everything I write in my diary. (Note to self talk to Rose about her Husband) Where was I? Oh that's right, so I went to see –whispers-_ Emmett_ and he suggested a wrestling match so I took up his offer, hey I was bored! Don't look at me like that! I did not enjoy it as much as he did! Okay maybe a little he does have soft skin...So we were wrestling and Emmett picked me up and threw me at the whale, sorry car, and I landed on the engine, which then shattered –muahhahahaaaaa- I killed the evil hideous beast! Go JASPER! Esme yet again flipped, man that woman has serious anger issues, but I was too elated to care what she was saying, that was until Edward came running over, _dry sobbing, _yes dry sobbing because we're stuck here for longer, has everyone forgot we are VAMPIRES?! We run at super speed we don't get tired.... that left me bored again, which got me thinking how could I cause more problems for the holiday? Then I remembered Alice my darling little wife who puts me through hell every day by making me get changed every hour on the hour, so I went and put every item of her clothes that she fetched with her, that took me 4 hours at super vamp speed, and stretched them out of shape haha she'll go mental when she gets re-dressed. Jerry I'm starting to enjoy this holiday. By the way, do you think I need to get some lowlights in my hair?...AWW! You think I'm perfect!!! –squee-, I'm glad someone realises that, and it's not all EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD. Yeah I realise Emmett thinks that but...that's Emmett, speaking of Emmett he's heading this way now and I must hide you.

Hugs and Kisses,

Your number one hero

Jasper Whitlock Hale (for the hundredth freaking time! HALE NOT CULLEN! _**HALE)**_

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**A/N sorry this one sucked! i'll try harder next time. Keep the good reviews up. Also if you've got any suggestions i'll gladly listen and fit them in. Next chapter: Jasper and Emmett escapades**


	5. Alice steals Jerry

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight sadly for me**

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Dear Jerry,

I'm changing your name to Delilah. Jerry's a sucky name.

Dear Delilah,

Hehe sounds better doesn't it? Anyways, I'm going to give you a makeover you're going to look beautiful!!!! You're going to be almost as beautiful as me, but not quite. What's that Delilah? You think I'm beautiful...Owh thank you! So, let's have a girly chat, this is going to be so fun! Who do you thinks hawt?...Jasper? WHAT?! BITCH! –Rips pages out and eats them-

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Dear Anna,

You know that Delilah bitch, yeah her, she has the hots for my man. My Jasper, its bad enough I'm constantly trying to fight for his affection from Emmett. That's a struggle...as I do think Jazz has the hots for Emmett too, aww they'd have the most beautifullest babies! I'm not that bothered at all Anna, I know I should care but Jazz lets me dress him up and curl his hair and everything what more could you want in a husband? Yeah, I know you're wondering why I'm bothered about Delilah liking him, well it's because she might curl his hair and dress him up and make him look beautiful like I do, obviously not half as pretty as I make him, but that isn't the point I'm making. -3 minutes of silence and some tumbleweed goes by while Alice sits looking blank- I've just got a vision! Why on earth is Jasper naked? And why is there a man dressed in hideous clothes watching Emmett and a nude Jazz fight?! Well I hope they're fighting –shudder- I'm going to have to get hold of that man, his dress sense is absolutely terrible! He's wearing a red and blue waterproof coat, helloooo major clash! Beige –gag- trousers and these....shoes if you call them shoes, whoever designed them must have some sort of eyesight issues, they're green need I say more? Uh oh Jazzy's coming back from stealing Rosalie's mirrors gotta dash!

Mwah Alice xxx

P.S I'll tell you more secrets about Jazzy later teehee, I've got many.

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Dear Je....

Jerry...why are you pink? Why are you called Anna!? .....ALICE......-growl- OMG Mr. Snobbin's you're wearing a dress! We're meant to be MEN strong handsome war buddies! Guys against the world and not you're in a dress! That is it! I refuse to play dress up with Alice she can't decide what I wear if I wear nothing! –strips- oh my...I look good nude. –stares for a while- anyways, I'm going to play with Emmett she hates it when I pay attention to Emmett.

I'll talk to you later Anna...Jerry..Your names Jerry –sigh- I hate women.

Love Jasper the nudist. xoxo

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**A/N Thanks for all the great reviews so far! This chapters been made with the help of some people suggestions. If you want to see anything in the next chapter, tell me and i'll try and squeeze it in. Hope you liked this Chapter. MERRY CHRISTMAS :D**


	6. Hitchhikers and Naked Wrestling

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight; I don't own much to be honest. Twilights owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

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Dear Jerry my man!

I love being on holiday! Teehee and yes, I am still nude  I feel so free. Today Emmett and I were putting Rosalie's make up on each other hehehe I looked so pretty, Emmett really does a good job, well anyways it was my turn to put makeup on him, and I was just getting to the crucial part (you know lip gloss of course) then Rosalie came over and ripped the lip gloss out of my hands and shouted at us both for being Nancy boys and then told us to get our act together and do something masculine for a change, in which we replied

"But Ro-Ro we don't know how to be masculine!"

So she said "Well here I'll show you, and please for crying out loud Jazz, get dressed and never ever call me Ro-Ro"

So I told her "Ro-Ro...salie... you wouldn't understand what I am going through, for I am in the midst of a entire personality change! Huzzah!"

"He means he's not Alice's bitch no more...-mumble- I like him being nude" remarked Emmett...stupid Emmett.

So I saw red, well I didn't see red, I just got mad, I never quite understood that quote I've gotten mad a fair few times in my existence as I do live with Edward (creepy stalker boy or CSB as he'll know be known) and I am yet to see red. Back to the story, I dived on him and we started to wrestle as I never was Alice's bitch, _never, _to which Ro-Ro...salie clapped and cheered and told us we were being masculine, so we continued to wrestle it was quite fun, for Emmett too as he kept pulling me closer to him many times and putting his hands in no go areas, we wrestled for two days straight when we finally finished I came to the conclusion, I liked Emmett's roaming hands. _Please don't tell Ro-Ro...salie she'll get mad at us again and I have to stop calling her Ro-Ro coz that makes her mad too, hey I'm no wuss....well....I am but I'm currently standing up to Alice I can't stand up to Rosalie too! Two highly vexed women are just as bad as one highly irked Esme. Hehe Irked funny word. _**Heheeee Irked humorous formulate Jazzy **uh..Em? **Yeah Jazzy? **Don't write in my diary, and especially not with crayon... and Emmett ...er...get the other crayon out of your mouth too..**well one thinks it tastes like the rainbow** okaaaaaaaaay Em-Em here is some paper go draw** YEY! Paper! Wait, that jotter that you are currently scripting in, that's Jerry is it not? **Maybeee what's it to you? **–glares evilly at the diary and then sits drawing in the corner of the tent- **

Has he been reading a thesaurus again? Well anyways me and Emmett finished wrestling and that was when we realised we were being watched, by a human man. Emmett looked at me, I looked at Emmett the man looked at us, Rosalie looked at herself... what on earth was he doing here? And why was he staring at me like that. **Because one was unclothed Jasper.** Well I realise that now don't I Emmett? Back to your corner. So I asked him

"Hello? May we help you?"

"Well..._you_ may sugar. " He then winked at me. Emmett caught the fact that he winked and the fact he called me sugar, I could feel the lust coming from the strange funny dressed man and the anger from Emmett and the adoration coming from Rosalie who had found her mirrors. I felt uncomfortable with this to say the least. This is when Emmett asked "What's your name? And stop eye ballin' my man!" The funny looking and obviously colour blind man replied with "Well honey pot, you can call me Pauly and I wasn't _just _eye balling your man."

By this time we were getting worried he was totally checking me and Emmett out, I mean it was natural we're both hotties and I was butt naked as the day I was born so..yeah. But there was admiring a piece of art (which we both are) then there's drooling over it and getting a rather large erection like Pauly was so we started backing away remembering not to startle him in any way or use vampire speed to draw any extra unwanted attention to us, then I had an idea.

"ALICE...BABY!!! THERES A MAN HERE! HE'S GOT TERRIBLE DRESS SENSE AND I THINK HE WANTS MY BABIES!!!!!" **well we know he required your baby's as the protuberance in his pants was not created from love of the outside **Thanks for that Em –shudder-...In three seconds flat Alice was over here, glaring at my nudity, and re-dressing Pauly asking him things like " I don't mean to be stereotypical, but I thought gays had good dress sense" and "did you get dressed in the dark?!" she was so happy, she had someone to dress and Pauly well he looked happy too **yes, exceptionally happy in the pant area **Again Emmett thank you –eye roll- so I guess Alice is leaving me alone from now on since she has her own fully-posable dress up doll. So I've got rid of the problem that is Alice and her continually changing of my outfits, I now need to solve the problem of CSB (or Edward) **Yep, you do, all I've heard for the last couple of days is his dry sobbing, the chiselling of wood and Bella's name being screamed into the middle of the night. **Emmett!? **Yes sweetie? **GET INTO YOUR CORNER!!!!

Goodbye for now Jerry,

All my love Jasper xoxox **-crosses that out after Jasper has left the tent- **

**From Jasper (who loves Emmett) **EMMMEETTTTTTT!!! **Gotta go!**

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** A/N I hope you all had a good Christmas. I'll update in a few days I was thinking of doing a short Edward diary drabble thing and by the way i do actually like Edward i just think he's a bit stalkerish :) HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!**


	7. The End Authors Note

I think that this may be the end of the Cullen Family Getaway.  
Sorry if you actually liked it. It's not getting enough reviews for me to feel that I actually want to continue. I might carry on writing it at a later date, but definitely not at the moment.


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